Dear éponine
by Eponine Jondrette
Summary: Have you ever heard of the Dear Abby advice Column? That column was very popular for people wrote questions to ask Abbie and she answered them. What if each Les Miserables person had there own advice column? éponine is the first one to have one! Ask her anything you want! I don't think that any other fanfiction has this so I wanted to be the first one to start a new trenD!
1. Chapter 1 Hullo!

** Aaah! So, I hear that there are people needing my advice on various things? Well, I will do just that! What is it that you wish to ask of me? Perhaps you want to know the way around the streets of Paris? I know the way around, I do! Or perhaps you would like to know the code in which I use to converse with my family about the various crimes we get into? If these are not the things you wish to know then I will leave you to ask what you wish. **

** How about I tell you about myself? I was born in a little town called Montfermail and I have a younger sister Azelma, a younger brother Gavroche and I had two younger brothers but I know not what happened to them. My parents got rid of both them and Gavroche. Gavroche went to live on the streets when he was just a little one. My parents loved me and Azelma, oh, yes they did. Now my father only wants us around to be look outs for his schemes and to make sure that the Bobbies don't catch us. I am very quick at running away, I am! Well, there is not much more I can think to tell you. **

**Respectfully**

**Éponine**

**P.S. I do know how to read, I do! I also know how to write all though it is not much. Oh, I do know how to sow up little things like wholes in garments. Monsieur Marius had a hole in one of his shirts. I saw it when he and I were walking in the lark's meadow. I told him that I could sow it up for him, but he did not reply. Baah! He is such a fickle boy! Oh, I do wish he would love me for I do love him so! **

**When I came to his apartment that morning, he seemed to take no notice that I was in the room. I told him about myself and my family and he took the liberty of giving me a five franc piece and I was so grateful for we need the money. I went to his apartment for my father had written him a letter asking for money. Did you know Monsieur had found the parcel that silly sister of mine dropped the day before while we were running away from the Bobbies? Well, I believe I have spoken too much and I shall leave you to ask me anything you wish to.**

**Éponine**


	2. Chapter 2 éponine's Reply

** Dear Sorrowful Stalker,**

** Aaaah! I do know this feeling well, I do! Perhaps you should not put in the effort and make him think you are not interested. If that does not fare well, try getting into a conversation with him over a topic in which both of you find to your liking. He seems like Monsieur Marius that lives next store to me. Bah, they seem both like very fickle boys, that they do!**

**Éponine**


	3. Chapter 3 éponine's Reply

** Dear Eponina,**

**Aaaah, that Marius and his Cosette! I grew up with that child and I was quite horrid to her! Now that I am in her very place, I must confess that I do know how she must have felt. Your question has me in such a state that I know all too well. Perhaps you may try conversing with his friends about your fears of him and his lover and then see if they can talk him out of this relationship to his lover. If this does not fair, sabotage it! Oh, how I have treasured doing this very thing to Monsieur Marius and his Cosette! I would not do it with Marius present for it is Cosette I wish to sabotage. I hope this works for you. Baaah! It seems I am getting quite a lot of boys who are fickle and foolish just like my lover Monsieur Marius!**

**Éponine**


	4. Chapter 4 Hullo! Thank You!

**Dear Random Girl,**

**Oh! How I can relate to this! Cosette is not a blond but her and Marius should not be together! It seems you are in the position of unrequited love. Oh, how queer it is! Perhaps playing hard to get may make him feel like you are not interested in him. If that doesn't fair well, try to make him see that this girl is not right for him. But, if you want to take drastic measures, sabotage her! I'm still planning on how I can sabotage Cosette! Good luck in this, even though I know not who this girl is. Aah, another fickle boy! **

**Éponine**

**P.S. Let me know how things turn out. Do not forget that sometime we do not get the ending we want. I do hope that you will get the ending you want as I hope I get the ending that I do so want.**


	5. Chapter 5 Oh, how lovely This Is!

**Dear 'Ponine Rocks Guest,**

** Aaah, it's these little things in which the mind wonders if one of us likes the other as more than just friends. This can sometimes be hard to know. You may try just seeing where this goes. Or, after some time of getting acquainted with him, you may ask the question or better off throw little hints at the question, for it is not proper for the lady to do the asking of such things. I hope this will work out for you and let me know on how you fair. Bah! If only Monsieur Marius would see the hints I so give him. **

**Éponine!**

** You all are so wonderful and I have never have been so glad as to shire my thoughts on the various questions you ask of me. Now I would like to turn the tables and ask you to ask me any questions you may have. Do not be shy I will answer promptly! Please keep asking me things! I have one question for you. Is there anything else that you would want my input on rather than just relationships with men? Aaaah, I am just asking. Although, I will tell you that talking about men are my weakness and I could talk the day away, but let us talk of other matters, shall we?**


	6. Chapter 6 Baaah! Such Foollish Thoughts

**Dear Chanty402,**

** Oh, what a very unusual name! Why, may I ask, did your mother name you that? Oh, do not mind that question! **

**Oh! How I long for those days back in Montfermeil when I wore the prettiest things and I could have everything I could ever want. There was not anything my mother and father would not do for me and Azelma's happiness. Looking back on those days makes my life seem not so miserable. As for Cosette, I never really thought of being friends with her. My mother always told me never to associate with daughter's of which there mother was a streetwalker and sold herself to make money. I took the pleasure of bossing Cosette around and beating her as well as telling her what to do among countless other things, which, if you wish I could tell you about but I do not think you would want to hear of such horrid actions. Baaaah! Can you not see a little child distributing blows of her own on a child her same age? Oh, how horrid I and Azalea were to Cosette! I will tell you this one thing I did to Cosette. It was my sixth birthday and had gotten some new dolls and dresses among other many things and later on in the day, I started to not feel well and so I made Cosette wait on me hand and foot. She was always bushed beyond what she could do and that day I pushed her even more. I must confess that I felt good when I bossed Cosette around and was mean to her. There were moments when she was my little maid and she did work not only for the people of the inn, and not only for my mother and father, but she did anything, and everything I, and Azelma asked, or I should say ordered her to do. She did everything from dressing me in the mornings to bringing me food to undressing me at night. **


	7. Chapter 7 Oh, What Am I To Do!

**Dear readers,**

** Oh, how sad I am to no longer have anyone writing to me! Did I do something to vex you all? Oh how I hope not! I hope to hear from you all very soon! Please make haste with many replies!**

**Éponine**


	8. Chapter 8 Do not Know 'Ow To Thank You!

**Dear Fluffy,**

** Aaah, are you sure you are not half cat? Oh no, forgive me for that useless question! As for the question you asked. I hope that this friend of yours did not literally stab you in the back for that would be painful. Have you asked her why she does not want you to be on this, team? Was this argument between you both been going on for a very long time? If nun of these questions have not been asked, nor answered, perhaps you should get answers to them before you make a decision of what you should do with this friendship of yours. I do hope that this helps you. If it does not, you know what to do! **

**Éponine**

**P.S. **

**If any of my dear, dear readers do not feel like at some point that writing my name out all the way, I will respond if you would like to call me 'Ponine. I do not normally allow such an honor, but I will make an exception, since everyone has been so very kind to me!**


	9. Chapter 9 'Ow Do You Do!

**Dear Awkward,**

**Aah, this is a very different type of question but still quite amusing! I would describe Cosette as never one to complain. It's true she never complained of anything no matter what I, or my mother and father did. As Gavroche is my brother I can only say that he is a real silly boy! ! Oh that he is! Grantair, he is a drunkered and can be real ridiculous! Marius, aaaaah! What can I say but I love him! Oh, that I do! Enjolras, well there is not much to say about him other than he is like stone and does not let emotions show. Thénardier, well, again, as I am his daughter I think he is a real basterd and he is not a father to me and my sister and brother. Oh ta,ta,ta,ta, how foolish and dirty he can be! Baaaaah, oh that man!**


	10. Chapter 10 'Eere's Another One

**yDear Julia,**

** You go to school! Oh, your family must be quite from the bourgeois class, ay? Well, these love triangles are very complicated so I am sorry to say that I do not know how helpful this answer will be to you. I would suggest maybe having a talk with your friends about this and see where it leads. I hope this helps you. I am horribly sorry that I cannot give you the answer that you are so in need of, for I too, am bound in the very same chains. **

**Éponine**

**P. S. We both are forever roses in misery.**


	11. Chapter 11 I am 'ard to beat donw!

**Dear Precious**

** You are asking about my small waste? Well all women have small wastes. We where corsets which are designed to push our chests up and make our wastes small. I am of course thin doing not have not eaten in many weeks. Every bone in my body is visible. I am pretty much a skeleton with just skin. My family and I will often wonder when you will get our next breakfast. Aaah but do you know what? Azelma got real lucky and stole a whole twenty franc piece and so we got us a real feast! **

**Well, if you want to be friends, how would we do that? **

**Éponine**


	12. Chapter 12 I am 'Ere ONce Again!

_**From COOKIES**_

_**Dear éponine,**_

_**My pet goldfish, Fluffy, just died! Do you know of any ways I could bring him back?**_

_** No, I do not know of any sorry. How sad I am to hear of such a loss.**_

Éponine


	13. Chapter 13 Anybody 'Ome?

**My Dearries,**

** What is it that is keeping you all away? May it be that no one finds me amusing anymore? Oh, please say that this is not true? I miss all of your lovely letters as well as your questions. I hope that you will all start writing back to me fairly soon.**

**The Jondrette Girl**


	14. Chapter 14 Aaaah, How Good This Is!

**Dear Kane,**

** Well, since you have been friends with this boy a very long time, I would think that you could talk to him about whatever you are feeling, can you not? I would suggest, that maybe talk to one of your other friends and see what they have to say. Then, slowly go into it, but not too fast for that's when things can get quite messy. **

**Good luck,**

**The Jenrette Girl**


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